Aug 30, 2012

Fanfic: The Influence of You | SKE48


Nishishi x Jurina | angst, oneshot, songfic | M | 2,587 words
Set in the world of SKE48’s 8th single, “Kataomoi Finally” – Told through the eyes of the one hurt the most. | (A/n: the words in bold are from the song “Room for Happiness” by Kaskade)

Pro-tip: Go and re-watch the PV as a refresher and come back here when you're done :D

~ ~ ~


Sometimes I wish I never felt, the influence of you.

The distinctive connection of flesh from hand to cheek had resonated more feeling than she had ever felt during any physical connection with…her.

And yet the after-effect, the throbbing sting, would never match the pain that she had felt after loosing that physical connection with…her.

Now I feel the disconnect, like an open wound.

Jurina touched her cheek with a false smile. She knew she deserved it, the brutal reminder from both Rena and Akane that her actions over the past few weeks were less than impressive. Heck, it wasn’t the first time this sort of thing had happened.

The repeat-offender of broken hearts eventually stood up on shaky legs. Both victims long gone from the scene, Jurina began to walk – Because outside in torrential rain certainly wasn’t the most comfortable setting to contemplate your stupidity.

Where you once were there is a space, that runs as deep as hell.

Hell. That was a good word for the miserable feeling of going through exactly what she had been doing onto others ever since that day.

Finally out of the path of the rain, walking through the dimly lit tunnel, in which conveniently ran a shortcut to her house, it gave Jurina a chance to fall back into cynical thoughts.

Jurina dared not even say her name too loudly for the fear of that hell opening up the gap in her heart all over again -- The gap that she tried so hard to seal.

So it came out a whisper past trembling lips.

Her name.

“…Yuka.”

.......................

Her eyes were as fierce as a bursting star, and as cold as the dark void of outer space that encapsulated such beauty.

Yuka had been the space that encapsulated the entirety of Jurina’s world for the few passionate months they had been “together”. Starting out as a freshman at her school, Jurina had never experienced such deep feelings for someone else before and she had been more than happy to discover that plateau with Yuka.

Back when Jurina’s hair was still long, Yuka would entwine her fingers in the curly strands whilst telling her the various ways in which she would please the younger girl – and make her feel things that she had never felt before.

But no sooner than Jurina had finally opened herself up – both mentally and physically – to those words, did Yuka decide that her interests had switched from the 1st year student to a fellow 2nd year by the name of Hirata Rikako.

Sometimes it's worse to have lost, than to have never had at all --
It's a curse; to feel love and to feel it all dissolve.

“Well what exactly were you expecting Jurina?” she mumbled to herself annoyingly as she stepped into the shelter of her house.

It wasn’t like people hadn’t warned her about Yuka’s behaviours. But she was young and innocent and had simply decided to stop listening. She became so infatuated with everything about the older girl, that she had checked all warning signs in at the front door.

Just like her shoes, which she kicked off after entering. She threw her school bag down not much further and marched over to the bathroom. She was freezing cold and a shower would definitely help.

Don’t be fooled….

A distant voice somewhere deep in the troughs of her mind whispered to her, but Jurina paid reason no mind, stepping into the bath quickly after the water had filled it.

Slipping into the warm water should have been a more comforting feeling but Jurina still felt as cold as before. The realization of just how badly she had screwed with the lives of not only her two latest victims, but also every single girl since Yuka, was finally catching up to her.

Jurina’s gaze rose up to the ceiling above and it reminded her of one of the last times she sat in the bath staring at the ceiling like this…

~O..O~

“See, it’s not so bad is it.” The voice was low, close to her ear.

Jurina suppressed a shiver and kept her eyes trained on the ceiling above for fear that if she thought of anything pertaining to her current situation or position instead, she might explode…or something.

When Yuka chuckled, the fractional movement of her chest sent a jolt of feeling up and down Jurina’s spine and reminded the younger girl again just how close they were in the small tub. The idea that Yuka was currently embracing her from behind like this made her dizzy as the blood rushed to her head. Or was that just an affect of the water’s temperature on her body?

Either way, Jurina blushed even more and started fiddling with the suds of soap floating aimlessly in front of her.

“It’s just a bath,” Yuka mocked, “Don’t worry, I won’t do anything…I mean it. I’ll just sit here, like a good girl. Wash your back, it you wash mine…”

As Yuka spoke, one of her submerged hands found it’s way to the side of Jurina’s inner thigh, moving slowly against the skin – higher and higher – until it stopped short just below the junction of the girl’s slim legs.

“I’ll behave…I promise.”

The trustful words were betrayed by every other action.
Jurina’s heart was pounding, breath hitched in response to both words and touch.

Yuka’s other hand came up, a single index finger running seductively along Jurina’s jawline from just below her ear to her chin and up to her lips, as if drawing out a path, which she would soon claim with her own lips.

“I’ll play by the rules -- unless you ask for something…more.” Yuka whispered.

Jurina whimpered.

“Yuka…”

~O..O~


Damn Yuka.

She had found a way to completely destroy everything Jurina had thought was real. Everything Jurina had believed was love. Yuka had managed to completely destroy Jurina.

She should have listened to what others had been telling her for months. Stay away. She’s like a poison.

And now that poison had claimed yet another victim, and was going to do it to another.

Hirata Rikako was her name.

Jurina had been wondering where Yuka had run off to all day. Yuka promised to walk her home again that day, and Jurina waited where she always did, like the “good little girl” she was. But when Yuka still hadn’t shown up, even after Jurina watched all her friends heading home, the freshmen began to worry that either Yuka had forgot or she had mistaken their meeting place.

Running through the hallways of the building looking for Yuka, Jurina stopped when passing by one of the old classrooms that was now used as storage for projectors and other equipment. Something didn’t feel right, but she had a feeling that what she was looking for was in here.

Don’t be fooled….

A distant voice in her mind whispered, but was dismissed it as quickly as it came.

Jurina paused, hearing more voices from inside. A new voice told her to run, but the voice from before urged her on. The door opened silently enough that the people inside didn’t notice, and Jurina could feel her heart break the moment her eyes fell upon the sight of the two.

“…Yuka…I-I don’t know, I’ve never…you mean here?” Jurina heard the girl say.

Yuka was standing close, trapping the other girl between herself and the desk behind them. The girl seemed to be protesting, albeit half-heartedly and was blushing profusely under the scrutiny.

“Yes, you have no idea how long I’ve dreamed about this…about you.” Yuka moved closer, forcing Rikako to back up onto the table. Hands on either side of the other girl’s legs, Yuka leaned forward kissing Rikako, who didn’t even resists. Rikako, who brought her arms up to wrap around Yuka’s shoulders and bring them closer – deeper into their kiss.

Jurina broke inside.

She made to move and bumped into a nearby table, causing some equipment to fall and make her presence known in the form of a loud clatter. She looked back up to see both older girls looking at her.

“Jurina?” Yuka said, the tone in her voice sounding as if she was trying to remember something.

“I-I’m sorry! I came looking when you weren’t at the front gate.”

As if remembering, Yuka actually smiled, “Crap, I forgot I was supposed to walk you home today right?”

That part hurt the most. Jurina expected the older girl to be a stuttering mess of apologies and remorse, but she was acting like she had just forgotten to take out the garbage or wash the dishes. Not anything like someone who had just been caught making out with another girl.

“Look, Rikako needed a hand moving a projector to the theatre room, so I offered to help. Sorry, I got caught up in other things. You know the deal.”

This was the same girl that Jurina had shared her body, her soul…her love with. Or so she had thought. Jurina felt sick -- she was certainly beginning to feel like just another pile of garbage being put on the curb for pick up.

“I’m sorry.” Jurina voiced barely above a whisper, her eyes cast down not able to look at the two anymore. With that, she bolted out of the room so fast and in such a blur of sickening emotion that she had no idea how she made it home.

Jurina couldn’t even remember how long she had been sitting in her bathtub rocking back and forth while remembering what had transpired at school that day. She glanced up from the now lukewarm water to the long mirror that faced her from where it leaned against the wall. Her eyes were puffy and reddened from crying, and her long hair equally disheveled.

Looking at her pitiful, gullible self in that mirror, Jurina suddenly hated her long hair. Something about how the disorderly strands framed her face, something about the way the tips floated about her, touching the water, it all made her angry.

She looked over at the counter nearby where a pair of scissors lay as if waiting for her to take them. So she obliged and took the cold metal into her hand observing the object as if it were a saviour from her pain.

She knew she was broken.
She wouldn’t be the same as before – she couldn’t be the same as before.

Jurina looked back into the mirror, gathered a bunch of strands between her fingers and cut – reveling in the satisfying sound. She watched as the now disembodied hair floated in front of her and smiled bitterly.

She continued, cutting until her hair was long no longer.

She grinned and looked back at the mirror. She no longer looked into the face of Matsui Jurina the naïve freshmen that she was at the beginning of that year, she gazed into eyes that were as fierce as a bursting star, and as cold as the dark void of outer space that encapsulated such beauty.

With a wicked smile befitting of her new self, she would become that very person that she hated the most.


.......................

Sometimes I wish I never felt, the influence of you.
Now I feel the disconnect, like an open wound.
Where you once were there is a space, that runs as deep as hell.
but every morning when I wake I tell myself…

…don't be fooled.


Jurina blinked, being pulled out of her memories. There was that nagging voice again – that voice that had been in her head for years. She felt like it was trying to make her see something that she couldn’t quite make out beyond the sight of that damn ceiling.

She shut her eyes tight, images of Yuka...of Rikako…of Akane and Rena…of every girl she had hurt…and of her old self all blurring together, driving her insane. Jurina opened her eyes again, but this time instead of that ugly ceiling, she was greeted by the bright afternoon sky.

Don’t be fooled by your emptiness.

She lay there, no longer in the confines of her bathtub, or her house. A cool but warming breeze rustled the tall grass around her. This place felt familiar, like she had been here before.

Jurina turned on to her side, a single fluffy white dandelion seed head had sprouted beside her. She touched it gently.

…there's so much more room for happiness.

The voice was much clearer now. It flowed around and through her as if it was the wind itself. It was comforting.

The wind picked up and the seeds from the dandelion dispersed in their usual fashion – riding the current freely and carelessly.

Jurina thought she felt the presence of another person. She sat up looking about the vast field and noticed much further away, a girl running, as if set free from the burdens caused by others in her life. Free like the white dandelion seeds.

Run? …was Jurina supposed to do the same thing?

No.

The warmth from the setting sun was enough. That alone made her heart overflow with joy and for the first time in a long time, she smiled. A smile not filled with bitterness, hatred, regret or malice -- a truly pure smile.

Don’t be fooled by your emptiness. There’s so much more room for happiness.

The words finally made sense to her. Jurina had let that feeling of emptiness consume her for too long. She had let it completely encompass her, and eat away any shred of self-worth from her being.

She closed her eyes again and breathed deeply, letting the sun and the wind take away all that hurt and replace it with goodness. When she opened her eyes again, her world didn’t seem bleak anymore.

When she opened her eyes again, she was back in the current moment. Jurina made her way from the bath to her room, where she dressed, eager to see the sun again. She passed by the mirror on her dresser, and through her reflection, saw Yuka again. Yuka was staring at her with that sly smile on her face…the one that had possessed her for so long. The one she had adopted as her own.

But this time Jurina was able to see past it and Yuka wouldn’t get the better of her. She picked up a headband that had been discarded there some time before – back when her hair was longer – and placed it in her hair. It held back the strands of hair that usually framed her face.

Yuka’s reflected face suddenly became confused, not understanding Jurina’s actions. But then she was gone, and Jurina was left looking at her new – or perhaps her long forgotten – old self in the reflection. She smiled a pure smile again before making her way down the hallway to the door. With a steady breath, she opened the door and the hallway was instantly flooded with the brightness of the setting sun.

The voice in her head had been right. There was so much more room for happiness.

And this time, Jurina welcomed it. 



つづく

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